The Intersection Of Grief and Coparenting

Parenthood after divorce is a sensitive subject, to say the least. Unwed couples are not exempt from the difficulties of navigating the emotional landmine of co-parenting after separation, however, the goal is to not lose focus. Many mental health experts recognize separation from a loved one as a life transition. The implications of separation may include changes in routine, financial obligations, loss of emotional support and more. Psychologist Bob Taibbi, LCSW describes divorce at its core as grief. The various changes and emotional turmoil captivated by grief is also experienced by the children of separated parents, who had no control in the matter. Through this fundamental understanding, parents can proceed with an awareness of the importance of healthy co-parenting, even if the terms of separation were less than amicable. The emotions of grief are undeniably difficult to manage and shortcomings are likely but maintaining focus on the child/children may yield the most favorable outcomes for everyone involved.

Greif involves, a cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In my experience as a therapist, this reality is often unrecognized when children end up “picking sides” or appear more sympathetic to one parent more than the other. A child’s anger may cause them to appear to reject one parent or protest visitation. Understandably, feelings of rejection from their child/children can cause a reaction to explain “your side” or other attempts to win them over. I would instead encourage parents to seek understanding in these moments such as children identifying their own boundaries, for example, as their manifestations of asserting control where they had none in the decision to dissolve a relationship. The challenge in these moments is to put aside our own feelings and respect healthy boundaries or providing language for them to express themselves and then observing those boundaries. Parents should help the child identify appropriate boundaries such as, “I don’t feel like talking about my day right now”, vs inappropriate boundaries, such as, “I want to stay at mom’s house all the time”.  Doing so will show compassion to your child and allow for their own timing to begin repair pain and hurt caused by the separation. Partnering with your children’s school social workers, or other mental health professionals may assist with identifying appropriate language and guide conversations so that therapeutic terms do not cause misunderstandings.

Aside from recognizing their feelings and the cycles of grief, providing healthy alternatives will help the child learn and build their emotional intelligence. In Better Health’s, Pent Up Anger: Healthy Way’s To Manage It, the author describes the importance of reframing anger, “…with the support of a therapist, you may learn to understand anger as a necessary and helpful feeling rather than a universally “negative” emotion. While anger is often associated with aggression, harm, or out-of-control behaviors, this emotion also serves as an invaluable social and emotional barometer. Often, anger is a sign that a situation would benefit from being addressed, listened to, or communicated.” Instead try providing opportunities for the child to socialize with peers, exercise through a team sport or using music or art to cope and “get it out of their system”. Other common mental health coping strategies include breathing exercises or utilization of a mantra to reground themselves. Above all, recognizing this process as normal may be the most useful tool for parents as we continue to support our children as well as ourselves through this time of transition.

Even after some time has passed, the sting of realizing that children must now occupy two distinctive worlds instead of one cohesive one is felt whenever subtle reminders that things are no longer how they used to be. In my opinion, parents have a responsibility to recognize the grief experienced by the children of separation to encourage necessary empathy and patience through this life transition. Especially during the anger stage which may involve acting out in school or other atypical behaviors, these behaviors likely represent unprocessed grief. These instances present a unique opportunity to help the child reflect on their own behavior and recognize healthy ways to manage their frustrations. Remember, depending on the age of the child, this may be the first time they are processing these complex feelings and therefore assisting the child to understand their own grief process, in some cases, may be more fruitful than punishment.